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I turn ** on Monday. I’m in love for the first time in my life. I am on my second course of antibiotics. I drink at least a can of coke a day.
I am probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time, but I’m writing less than ever and tuned in to what's going around even less. Is this my opiate of the masses? A boyfriend? Insufferable ass question. Maybe I've just gotten (even more?) selfish.
I’ve been riding Amtrak almost weekly this year. I love it, the trees flashing in the dirty windows, the harsh fluorescent, the kids in front of me fighting. I’m serious, there is something so comforting about a long train ride, reading and looking out the window and knowing someone I love is waiting at the end.
I read what I wrote from months ago and it feels so strange. I still feel like her, but also less afraid, or maybe afraid in different ways. They’re playing Mumford & Sons in the train station now. It’s also my least favorite stop on this route and we’re always here for like an hour. Creator save me.
I just finished Wuthering Heights for the second time. The first time I read it I was 17 and I didn’t really like it, but I just assumed I didn’t understand it. Now, I still didn’t like it and I fear I do understand it this time. I hate Heathcliff with a deep passion. I know others find him sympathetic and romantic in his desperation but his cruelty and desire to burn it all eventually feels like an extended tantrum. You cannot be acting like that at your big age, especially when you’re rich and have overtaken all the land you once desired. Spoiler: Also, I cannot believe they honored his wish to be buried in the middle of the graves. I cannot stand him, and I’ll be an Isabel defender always.
I know you’re dying to know if I will go see, what I anticipate will be, the new trainwreck of an adaptation. Yes, obviously. I love a collective experience even if the collective experience is to hate it. Also, since I don’t particularly like the source material, I feel rather indifferent in the accuracy of the adaptation. I also refuse to miss a movie with a Charli soundtrack. I’ve lost the pseudointellectualism thread as I write about hating classics and loving Brat, the boyfriend effect? Or maybe just the burnout effect, idk.
Still thinking and writing about Prevention through Deterrence methods in the borderlands. Still trying to understand what that will look like in a rapidly expanding, rapidly developing surveillance state. Still reading Mark Fisher and just picked up “If Anyone Builds It, Everyone Dies.” Watching Bridgerton and the Pitt. Listening to Julia Wolf and Wisp and Playboi Carti. Eating Thai food and knitting a Die Lit inspired sweater. That pretty much wraps it up. I’m gonna try and be more consistent on here again. I’m not really sure what my site even is at this point and in many ways it’s just a regular blog but tbd. I’ve missed this weird little corner of the internet. It’s time I get back to it.
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